Discworld Convention 2004

Hanover International Hotel, Hinckley, Leicestershire, UK
20th - 23rd August 2004

"Don't let the anticipation kill you…leave that to us"

Friday 20th August

"Insanity, insanity, it's all insanity." (Someone running past in the corridor.)

The invasion of the hotel was well under way.

People came away from registration clutching programme books, leaflets and forms for the Kaffee Klatches, the latter giving them a chance of meeting a Guest over a cup of tea at a small informal chat session.

"Practically the first thing Dónal did on seeing me and Gideon was to hand us City Watch badges - before we'd checked in, or registered, or anything." (Jenny Delaney becomes a Convention gopher)

The Guilds

When the members were registered, they were invited to join a guild for which they could earn points throughout the weekend. No prizes, just glory. Guild tokens were to be handed out at the whim of the Guests and the Committee.

"Pass along to the end for your goodie bag and to join the Assassin's Guild of your choice" (LynneM at Registration.)

The guild competition was supposed to be a small, icebreaker activity.
Except no one had told the fans this.
Deary, deary me…

In the blink of an eye, con-goers were covered in Fools' stickers, Assassins' daggers and Seamstresses' ribbons. Diane Duane as head of the Seamstresses, must have bought every last ribbon in Hinckley^[1] which were then handed out to whoever the Seamstresses thought deserving. A set of particular colours would get you an upgrade. What they stood for, we're perhaps better off not knowing…

"I still think we musicians weren't properly recompensed for the hundreds of thoughtless Con attendees who had heinously set their mobile phones to illicitly play music without using a properly qualified guild member" (Eric Jarvis)

Werewolf

Wholesale slaughter, or, a game providing a nice opportunity to get to know one's fellow con-goers.

Villager A: "What's innocence anyway?"
Villager B: "Not killing people."

Opening Ceremony

The weekend was officially kicked off by the stupid-looking kid piping in some hypnotised rats followed by…the Committee. Terry then came on stage in his newest T-shirt:

"Tolkien's dead
JK Rowling said no
Phillip Pullman couldn't make it
Hi, I'm Terry Pratchett"

And gave an entertaining account of his recent near-sandwich experience.

Terry's Bedtime Stories

Once again, con-goers clutching their teddy bears traipsed down to the main room to hear Terry read from forthcoming books. He began with Thud! and afterwards asked the audience to vote between a reading from Going Postal and the next Tiffany book, Wintersmith. Wintersmith won with ease. Terry wanted to know why it was that a mostly adult audience had voted for that one. But he said Briggs would be glad. Briggs wanted to read from Going Postal because Vetinari does cool stuff in it. Terry read an extract and then checked his watch. Officially, there were ten minutes left to go and to the delight of the audience, Terry decided to read from Going Postal after all and "tough shit to Briggsy."

Saturday 21st August 2006

"Fiction has to make sense, real life doesn't." (Peter Morwood wants the t-shirt.)

Early birds got to make shambles. Late birds went for the restorative effects of the chocolate tasting, which would hopefully give them strength for all the book signings that were going on. Other birds were at the sing-a-long performance of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode and raised money for the Sudan.

Lionel Fanthorpe interviewing Bernard Pearson was the meeting of two great raconteurs. An even greater raconteur, Casanunda, gave tips on the art of love (over which a discreet veil shall be drawn) which was followed by Peter Morwood's aphrodisiac recipes (ditto).

How To Buckle A Swash

"An informative and entertaining demonstration of swordplay from Orjan, gmh, Ingvar and Marco, including an object lesson in why it is important to find out what you are volunteering for before you do. " (Ali)

The Guilds

The guild competition was proceeding apace. The Head of the Assassin's Guild, Peter Morwood, was inhumed in a hostile takeover bid by the Head of the Merchants, Stephen Briggs. The Conjurers went up to Small Gods and entertained the kids with a magic show. The Thieves "stole" money on behalf of the Orangutan Foundation to the tune of almost 400 pounds. And anyone answering a call of nature first had to deal with the Guild of Plumbers and Dunnikin Divers.

Maskerade

The costumes and presentation get better and the judges' lives correspondingly harder with each passing year. Impressive in the technical area were Goldeneyes Silverhand Dactylos (Adrian Ogden) with 14 foot wings that folded out and Alice Band (Random C) with her exploding bustle which was based on the Assassins Guild Diary.

The delighted Best-in-Show Feegles thought they'd only get a comedy prize if anything.

"But in years of being a masquerade watcher and often a judge, and certainly not just at Discworld events, I can say that a best-in-show award tends to go to those who seamlessly merge their costume with an act. Presentation is everything. The Feegles established themselves as BIS contenders in about five seconds because in those few seconds they were the Feegles; they looked right, they sounded right, they moved right. And, not least, the audience responded. " (Terry Pratchett)

Apparently, the fourth Feegle had been recruited while sharing a taxi on the way to the hotel. That'll teach him to get in a car with strangers…

Sunday 22nd August

"Supermouse gophering so efficiently that even when Ops said 'Bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia' she managed it." (Ali)

The morning Church of Om service included an unexpected appearance by the tortoise. Lionel Fanthorpe, as the priest of Om, preached that heaven was a Discworld Convention without end. This was a popular observation, although one doubter asked, "when do we get to sleep?"

Jack Cohen's Unseen University lecture was built around the premise that Realworld biology sounds so fantastic that it could belong to the Discworld.

"Amoeba porn films have only one actor." (Prof Cohen)

For those with arty fingers, Saturday's heraldry lecture by Jonathan Simons was followed by a design-your-own Discworld heraldic device competition.

The Guilds

The leaderboard in the Hub underwent many changes as the Guilds did what they could to gather points. One person even managed to score a Genuine Cunning Artificer Forged Token. Later, a large sheep appeared in Ops - the Feegles' Flossie had been taken into protective custody after having been nicked by the Thieves Guild.

Quizzes

"Who Wants to be a Mr & Mrs Blankety Countdown Square I Haven't a Clue" was run by Graham Higgins while he had his aura stroked. As the name suggests, it combined all sorts of quizzes from Jeopardy to guessing definitions to players having to provide the link between deep existential blackness and a Twix. Participating quiz queen, Helen Highwater, was soliciting for an Assassin's contract on the quizmaster before the game was halfway done.

"Colin Smythe admitting at Liar! Liar! that yes, he had been lying about getting cigarettes for the Queen (it was really the Queen Mother), while everyone was firmly convinced Diane Duane had been accused of witchcraft in 13 states (which, I would just like to stress, is not the same as believing she is a witch)." (Daibhid Ceannaideach)

Guilds' Annual Gala Dinner

The Alchemists' Guild Drug Testing Station was on hand before dinner to make sure there was no hanky panky. Alas, excessive amounts of pilferodon were found in the Thieves' drinks, among others.

This year's dinner was hosted by the Assassin's Guild in a beautifully decorated main room and, fortunately, the gift bags for the attendees held no nasty surprises. The guests of honour also survived to the end of their speeches.

Gabe (Watch Commander) remarked between courses that he thought the Gala Dinner was going very well, everything seemed quiet, he couldn't hear any requests being made or questions being asked. After some thought, he came to the realisation that it was because he wasn't wearing his radio…

Toast And Jam

While the dinner was getting started, the seamier side of Ankh-Morpork gathered for a jamming session.

"One, we've already done that song. And two, we didn't have the lyrics then either…" (Anon)

"Memorable bits included Eric and Aquarion's 'Dedicated Follower of Fashion' (although Aq wasn't wearing anything disturbingly bright this time), and the band's excellent rendition of Stevie Wonder's 'Superstition'. Amps had to be switched off at midnight, so the singing moved outdoors, led mostly by Menno/Flexor. I now know more Toploader songs than I ever intended to! (Note to self - learn the words to 'Irish Ballad') We moved to the bar after it started to rain, where the singing was led mostly by Murky, and his knowledge of quite a large amount of dirty songs… " (CCA)

Monday 23rd August

Some of the Guests brought along their favourite books to share extracts from. Trevor Truran explained about the process of creating games and puzzles. The actors in the Reduced Discworld play had been rehearsing throughout the weekend to good effect. People can probably guess how the Rincewind books were reduced…

Con-goers emptied their pockets in the dealers room and at the final charity auction while those who had some energy left learned how to dance with the Feegles.

The Great Hedgehog Race

The final was held in the Hub. The teams' challenge was to build a clacks. Earlier trials revealed that most of the teams hadn't included a means of getting punctuation or capitals across. Then one team then did a bit of thinking. This was Patrick and Eelco they were dealing with after all. So with admirable foresight, the team included codes for images, which won them the race.

Closing Ceremony

Winners of various competitions were called up to receive their prizes, including the Vogon poets. Graham Higgins read out "Lines in Honour of the Discworld Convention of the Year Two Thousand and Four at the Hanover Hotel, Hinckley" as the prizewinning Vogon responsible, Daibhid Ceannaideach, had already escaped from the hotel. The audience wished they had too by the end of it.

"And who won the Guild thing? When we left, the Fools (that'd be us) were in a pretty substantial lead… ((Daibhid Ceannaideach))

"Only because one of you had written an extra "1" before the total on the notice board " ((Eric Jarvis))

But at the last it was a neck and neck race between the Assassins and the Seamstresses and in the end it was the Assassins, who had recovered their original Head thanks to a bargain resurrection, who won the competition.

The ceremony finished with thanking the volunteers. Despite Terry's threats, there was no custarding or chopping of Colm Buckley the Chair. The rest of the Committee were hauled up on stage to receive their standing ovation and MEG Broadribb was put^W dragged forward as the Chair of the '06 Con.

Final Words Of Wisdom

"Well, real life has already hit home in the shape of a large pile of washing but my beribboned Con badge (together with the real Head of Assassins' badge) currently hangs on my bedroom wall to remind me of the best weekend anyone could spend in Hinckley.

I thought the Con was great fun this year and the Committee did a simply fantastic job, ably supported by the Tech crew." (Stephen Briggs)

"I completely agree. It was my first convention, and it far exceeded my expectations. The whole organisation was very professional, the programme was packed, and I have had the most fun I ever had with a roll of toilet paper and some… let's call it chocolate paste :-)" (Lilian)

"This is what Graham Higgins was talking about in one of his Klatches, when we were talking about communities of goodwill and he was comparing the Con to Brigadoon - it only appears very rarely, is a fantastic and wonderful place, but after a few days it just fades off into the mist again, not to reappear for ages." (Sorcha)